squeak squeak

The aftermath a 24-hour flu bug is kind of like cleaning up after a hurricane—you’re shaken, glad that the worst is over and then you are confronted by the fact that your Nissan Ultima is stuck in a tree.

I got somewhere around 103º and was feeling quite proud of myself, much to Autumn’s dismay. At one point I remember being half asleep and asking her how many there were, which I think related to a dream I was having in which I had to count the members of a football crowd.

This morning I felt pretty good. That weak feeling persisted, due to dehydration and general ickyness, but other than that I was fine. The only major hiccup occurred when I was trying to contact a man about a giant cock (it is funnier out of context). I was on the phone with his wife, and my throat did that thing it does when it gets a tickle, where it closes up and squeaks.

ring ring


“Hi, this is Jeremiah of the County Press. I’m trying to get a hold of Har- {squeak squeak}.”


“{squeak squeak}”


“{squeak HACK COUGH GAG} ...sorry about that. Is Harold there?”

This segues quite ineptly into my main topic of this post, namely things that I find funny that no one else does. For one thing I believe “{squeak squeak}” to be infinitely funnier than the lone, single “{squeak}” Infinitely. I actually giggled when writing it, saying it in my head.

Another thing I found funny, but which flew right by my sister, involved a discussion about a friend of the family who was getting on in years. By that I mean she was freaking ancient. This kindly old bitty had taken to reading the Bible with some regularity, and my sister didn’t seem to understand why she would read it so often, over and over. I told her that the old lady was probably studying up for her finals. No one laughed.

I thought that was witty, I really did. I also find paradoxical statements as can normally be seen on key chains funny, such as “I’m not in denial” and “There is a vast government conspiracy to make me paranoid.” That stuff cracks me up. I don’t know why.

More singularly funny things: dogs smoking, putting cold things on girls and anyone who is both extremely untreatening and angry, like old people, children or midgets.

More amazing art, which I honestly believed I already posted, but apparently was a feverish delusion:

Art of the sort I would be doing, if he hadn’t done it first.

Humbling doodles that far surpass much I have seen; this fellow’s sense of proportion and perspective that he scratches out on receipts is awe-inspiring.

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