Tired of staring mindlessly at computer monitor filled with uninteresting quarterly reports/database files/goat porn/spreadsheets?
Need to get away from the desk?
Then have me call you!
Yes, here at Jeremiah Can't Get a Hold of Any-Fucking-Body®, LLC., when we call you won't be there!
Boasting a 95% success rate of desk-absence for all people dialed, Jeremiah® also gives a 27.5% chance of creating a rip in the space time continuum, traveling back two weeks and scheduling a vacation for that very day! That's right, have me call you and receive almost a 30% chance of Spontaneous Vacationing!®
But wait, there's more!
For our public servants in local governments and schools, Jeremiah® offers an added option for Obscure Government Holiday and/or Inservice! Yes, you the consumer have not only the chance for Spontaneous Vacationing® but OGHI® as well!
As part of a special promotional offer, for an unlimited time we are also offering the chance to be one of our undisclosed number of winners to receive a Week-long Vacation with your family and all knowledgeable contacts! Three winners so far, more a blasted certainty!
So, if you want to get away from the desk for an indefinite amount of time—to go to the bathroom or Bora Bora—have me call you today.
Repeat customers who leave voicemails while Jeremiah® is on another line leaving a voicemail with another customer receive half-off. Offer not good for idiot receptionists, irrationally angry clerks or senile, elderly relatives who get repeatedly frightened by the mystical voice emanating from the ringing box and hang-up on me.