1. I joined a synchronized swim team and every second counts.
2. My wife and I are Advies—advertising fetishists. I play a stern but loving Mr. Clean and she’s a naughty little Aunt Jamima.
3. I went on a vision quest and discovered my spirit animal is the regal mole rat.
4. It makes the trepanation easier.
5. I’m starting over, completely, from the beginning. Later today I will have my teeth removed and botox injected randomly about my body, giving me the feeble inarticulate movements of an infant.
6. I’m auditioning for Blue Man Group.
7. Long story short: I finally got my sideburns even.
8. I take the challenging card game “War” very seriously.
9. I ran out of shampoo.
10. It was the only way I could secure an interview with activist Sinead O’Conner.
11. I saw G.I. Jane last night and it changed my life.
12. I have joined a collective of enlightened individuals who, after cleansing castration and a transcendence involving strychnine-laced punch, will be joining the gods upon their hover ship on the moon.
13. People kept mistaking me for Antonio Banderas and it was getting annoying.
14. My fedora was too tight.
15. Big league chew, 80 mph motorcycle ride, sneeze.
16. I am a student of phrenology.
17. I’m doing an undercover investigative piece at the light bulb factory.
18. I’ve had the nickname “cue ball” all my life, so I thought, “What the hell…”
19. I fell asleep at a party.
20. I head-butted a barber.
21. I found my beautiful luxurious hair too distracting to my coworkers.