Seriously, I'm a catch.
Wife (crawling into bed, fumbling about in the dark. Don’t worry, it’s G-Rated.):Where are you?
Me: I died because you took too long in the bathroom.
Wife: Don’t joke about that, that’s the scariest thing to me, you dying.
Me: . . . What if I was undead?
Wife: Okay, that would be scarier.
Me: No, no no. What would be scariest is if I was dead tired.
Wife: . . .
Me: Instead of “Eeeeerrrrrgh BRAINS!” I’d be all “Gosh, I’m soooo tired. I could sleep forever.”
Wife: You are a dork.
Me: . . . and then, because I was so tired, not thinking straight, I do stuff like accidentally put the birds in the toaster, or leave a boot in the freezer. OOOoooOOOOOooo.
Wife: Shut up.