Theories I hold whose discussion with my wife has caused subsequent stress betwixt us:

  1. Migraines are not caused by physiological or psychological problems, as the medical field believes, but, in fact by spiritual and moral deficiency, specifically constant sinning. Despite blaming the condition on everything from citrus to stress, the truth remains obvious. With sin (chocolate gluttony especially) one becomes unable to bear the light (spiritual purity, goodness and virtue) and must huddle alone and in the dark, in a vain attempt to hide from judgment, ala Adam and Eve. Even the softest whisper becomes a shouted proclamation of their guilt, and they shrink and hide from it. Only after they have given a sufficient penance of pain are they allowed once again into the light. The fact that most migraine sufferers are women only proves my point.
  2. Menstruation, similarly, is a disease of the spirit and not the body. The bleeding originates from the soul, which becomes cut up from a month of lying. These lies nick and slash the soul until, like stigmata, a psychosomatic effect takes place. Accompanied by a host of other uncomfortable problems, it is just God’s way of punishing the vile woman. It is no surprise then that it does not afflict innocent young girls or wise and mature women, but only the cruel and spiteful bunch between 14 and 45. Boys lie, but not as often or, more importantly, as well. The cumulative bruising to the soul often results in a shortened life span for men, women, however, build up a tolerance.
  3. That she should vacuum the damn ceilings for Christ’s sake it doesn’t take more than 20 minutes.

These are all, of course, joking.

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