7.02.2005

25954

I am a bastard. A cold, judgmental, hateful little shit who
has probably looked upon all of you with loathing and disgust at least once. I
have no patience for weakness of mind or spirit, though physically I am far
from imposing.



I don’t talk as much as I think I do. Autumn tells me that
sometimes my introversion is taken as rudeness. Nothing could be farther from
the truth; often my silence is the only polite thing I can say. I get sick of
all the chattering clicking idiots who seek to justify, to prove their
existence with noise. The more jangling keys the more power the exude, the change
chiming in their pockets to prove their wealth, the electronic beeps and
squawks escaping from their pockets to attest to how trendy they are. And
through it all their awkward empty words, repeating the same stories again and
again, ignoring the music around them, a one-way valve of shit.



I am quiet and I am thinking. My thoughts are my own. If I
wanted you to hear them I would open my mouth and voice them. I do this to try
and avoid saying stupid, meaningless crap. I do this so that when I do speak
people will listen.



It is nearly impossible to earn my respect and keep it, but
if you ever wanted it, the secret is to listen. Not just hear, notice the
pollution of those around you, but to listen. Listening is not passive, it’s
not merely opening your self up to let the world wash in. It is actively honing
in, capturing and dragging inward, methodical dissection and processing. It is
understanding, asking questions if you don’t, but first shutting up and
thinking about it, trying your level best to resolve it on your own.



Few people listen, even to themselves. They are not ears, a
mind and a mouth, they are just echoes, pointless reflections of all that has
passed before them. All men and women are worn smooth or cracked by time, but
they also have the ability to make themselves. To create something new. But
they don’t.



Here’s a tip: if you have to say you’re a good listener, you
probably aren’t. For one thing, you’ve opened your mouth and shut your ears to
any opinions to the contrary. It is also as unnecessary as promoting your own popularity
or intelligence. These are not traits that are made by claims; if possessed
they are easily self-evident in their exercise.



If you want me to hate you, express two mutually exclusive
desires at once. Voice your biggest problem and a complete unwillingness to do
anything to solve it.



“Man, I need money, but I don’t want to get a job. I’m so
overweight, but I hate to exercise and I love to eat. I’m lonely, but I can’t
stand dating. I don’t know, but I don’t need to learn.”

If you want me to rely on you and trust you: Shut
your mouth once in a while. Solve your own problems, but if you can't,
don't be too proud to accept any help I can give. Don't get addicted to
the worthless practice of complaint or worry. Be a better person than
me.

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