License to speak revoked.

Faux pas of the day:

I was telling my wife about the canonical list of "I like my women like I like my . . ." comparisons I came up with in college, specifically my favorite: "I like my women like I like my food: Fast, cheap and greasy."

She of course told me this was terrible, but in the same breath mentioned how the potato chips she was eating were really greasy.

What I meant to say, teasingly, but in good spirits, was "Now I just need to cheapen you up." Unfortunately my brain and mouth weren't on the same page, and instead I said "Now you just need to be fast."

To make matters worse, I tried to back pedal by saying "I know you're not cheap because I have to pay." I meant "Buy you jewelry, food, etcetera that you deserve because you are wonderful and I love you." But it sounded like I was calling my wife a whore.

Minus 1,000,000 points.

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