I am a being of immense power and intellect.

I'm a being of amazing power and intellect. My abilities are a hundred fold, and I am the best at all I attempt (defaulting to second-best at tasks and challenges not yet tried). I have wrestled a killer whale thrice (once on land, once at sea, once in Jell-o) and was easily victorious each time. I once beat Deep Blue at a game of jacks.

I can solve The New York Times Friday crossword entirely in Sanskrit.

I once gave the entire female population of Japan a 5-hour orgasm merely by renting the subtitled version of Ghost in the Shell--to this day the phonetic pronunciation of my name to a native Japanese girl will cause her to blush!

At the age of 5 I changed the proper spelling of "tha" to "the" in every dictionary in the world by sheer force of will. This convention exists to this day.

I can cut a man in half at 50 paces by humming.

After a fire destroyed all but the first opening scene of The Matrix script, I rewrote the entire screenplay by extrapolation. I did not have a hand in the sequels.

I am in the Top 8 friend's list for God, Allah, Vishnu, Yahweh and Zoroaster on MySpace.

I do not drink coffee, as I find it disgusting. I drink the blood of my enemies.

I can state the solution to a Rubik's Cube before it is mixed up.

I can name the digit of pi past the decimal corresponding to the exact living population at any instant. Right now it is 5.

I invented yellow.

I am so virile that if I glance at a woman for more than 5 seconds her great-granddaughter becomes impregnated even if not yet conceived.

Once I took my wife's birth control by mistake and began lactating. Pure beautifully-cut diamonds and rubies.


Collection display system for the modern contemporary ueber fan

This will be hard without pictures, so bare with me as I attempt ever complicating metaphor and text graphics. For discussion purposes I will use comics in my example, but any flat media (stamps, records, coins, baseball cards, centerfolds) would work.

As a comic book collector, I must admit to some ignorance as to the more ├»¿½proper├»¿½ ways of collecting, namely organization and care, but I believe this system would help and highlight some of the amazing art that can be found on comic book covers.

A series of tracks would be put on the wall, either one per row or two (one top and bottom) for stability. Each track would be somewhat { shaped to allow for the comic holders, discussed below.

Craptastic illustration by me.

Each comic holder would be shaped like this ]C[ (c for comic). The left rollers (or right, if you like manga), would have a locking mechanism so that to remove you would need to push up and pull out or something. Containers would not have to be removed to access comics, however, as the top is an open slit and the back has a U shaped top to aid in comic removal.

I said rollers before because I picture the entire collection being able to be flipped through like poster displays in the store, but also rolled along the length of the track as certain series grow or for the display function.

The display function would be to highlight rare, pretty, or first issues. The comic could be pressed flat against the wall so the right side temporarily locks into place (or becomes harder to slide) and makes the comic both a framed piece and a place holder for the rest of the collection.

(As in Spiderman #1 (rest of collected Spiderman) Action Comics #1 (rest of Superman collection).

When collected tightly perpendicular to the wall, a large amount could be stored on the wall, away from damp floors or grubby children's fingers. A two track system would also lend more weight support.

Better protected, better organized, better presented. Perfect for the den or rec room.

Further ideas: could be incorporated with a shelf system or lighting on a similar track system.

The Checkered Sphere

Getting the board out of board games.

Simple really, steel sphere with magnetic pieces, set to rotate like a standard globe.

It would be perfect for such games as Go and Othello.

Obvious problem of distortion occurs: 13 squares around middle and three at top, or 5 huge around middle and 5 teeny at top. Going with the former would cause some confusion as to which squares would be next to which, so

I say make it look like a soccer ball. While this would change the rules and play of many games, it would still be fun, and the odd pentagons would make for some interesting strategy.

I'm not sure checkers would work on this without some major overhaul or my second design idea. A checker board is 8x8, and 8 squares around the poles would be hard to do, unless one used pegs instead of magnets, and each time you pushed your peg in it lit the whole square up that color. If this is feasible, then perhaps a lite-brite-esque sphere would have a vast amount of peg holes and preprogrammed square divisions (8x8 for checkers, more for go).

By moving east or west, respectively, the two players would effectively be playing Wow's Toroidal Checkers.

But this makes it a mite bit complicated/expensive for my tastes.

Illustration by FarmerJohn, Jan 25 2005.


An hour to learn, a lifetime to complete.Very simple, and possibly a terrible, terrible idea. A game of Risk exactly the same except that, when attacking a territory a game of Stratego is played for every army until one is defeated. Would make a four hour game a four year game, though I'm certain all but the most hardcore would surrender out of boredom unless...

An online version was made, with Generals of each color recruiting other players worldwide to command an army. The battling would be instaneous and simultaneous, making for a (slightly) quicker game.

I had this idea while drunk playing Risk in college and was promptly chased from the room.