12.20.2006

I am a being of immense power and intellect.

I'm a being of amazing power and intellect. My abilities are a hundred fold, and I am the best at all I attempt (defaulting to second-best at tasks and challenges not yet tried). I have wrestled a killer whale thrice (once on land, once at sea, once in Jell-o) and was easily victorious each time. I once beat Deep Blue at a game of jacks.

I can solve The New York Times Friday crossword entirely in Sanskrit.

I once gave the entire female population of Japan a 5-hour orgasm merely by renting the subtitled version of Ghost in the Shell--to this day the phonetic pronunciation of my name to a native Japanese girl will cause her to blush!

At the age of 5 I changed the proper spelling of "tha" to "the" in every dictionary in the world by sheer force of will. This convention exists to this day.

I can cut a man in half at 50 paces by humming.

After a fire destroyed all but the first opening scene of The Matrix script, I rewrote the entire screenplay by extrapolation. I did not have a hand in the sequels.

I am in the Top 8 friend's list for God, Allah, Vishnu, Yahweh and Zoroaster on MySpace.

I do not drink coffee, as I find it disgusting. I drink the blood of my enemies.

I can state the solution to a Rubik's Cube before it is mixed up.

I can name the digit of pi past the decimal corresponding to the exact living population at any instant. Right now it is 5.

I invented yellow.

I am so virile that if I glance at a woman for more than 5 seconds her great-granddaughter becomes impregnated even if not yet conceived.

Once I took my wife's birth control by mistake and began lactating. Pure beautifully-cut diamonds and rubies.